Food Allergies

Who who have thought that I am allergic to coconut? How can I possibly survive in this world since almost everything has coconut in it? Soap, shampoo, toothpaste, fried foods...ah.

I am allergic to wheat, pork, squash, and seafoods among others, too. With these food limitations, sometimes I think that won't die of allergies but of hunger.

Food, oh food, I miss the days when I can freely eat you. :(

Project report. What to do to recharge a drained brain?

God, please give me the drive to give my best in everything I do...to honor You. Amen.

not unwelcomed but unexpected 110111

i thought i can have the house all for myself
until the end of the week.
uh, distraction.

i don't want to be a baby sitter,
i want my carefree life.
i don't want to think about anyone else...
but then, isn't life here on earth about
caring for others??

i still have to grow heights.

but my head aches thinking about being
with someone in this house
when i am still dreaming of being alone.

discomfort. stress. or is this just because of sugar and wheat??

piaya.

I miss you Nang. I miss the time we spent together at mama's house. We used to laugh at so many things. Happiness at that time was so common, so affordable. But what happened now? I feel so all alone. I wish we are together once more. But we are miles and miles and miles and miles and miles apart, chasing our respective dreams.

Funny.

I am tired of chasing contentment in this circle of life. Can I simply cut across the line and run to you? I bet you too are chasing contentment, wishing for that once simple state of life. But then I hope not. I wish you happiness.

Hoping to be reunited with you someday. Love you, Nang. I truly miss you.

Why is it that sometimes... no....most of the time I feel like I want to run away the fastest I can?

What is the meaning of my life? What am I for? Lord, please help me fight this feeling of uncertainly and worthlessness. Please guide me to the place where I should be. I need You now more than ever....

You can only look back in full regrets.

But why look back if all you can see are regrets? March on with life. Today and tomorrow are worth living.

It feels good to feel lost (from the eyes of everyone) in this bloggyworld.

Haaauhhh... I don't know what to do with my life. I have countless of tasks to do but I don't have the drive to do them. All I want is to leave this place -- my current job. Can't find a pinch of joy staying here.

But where do I go from here?

Things to float in my mind:

Shall I get a PhD? Is it worth it?
Shall I transfer to a private firm/industry? where?
Shall I process my paper for migrating to Aus? Do I have the resources?
Shall I go home and find a teaching post in the general science courses? Will it be a good help?
Shall I find a research job in my former univ?
Shall I? Shall I? Shall I?

So many considerations. So many insecurities. So many things that rips me the joy of living.

I need a stronger Hand to carry me. I am hopeless on my own.

I will be silent to ** about it from now on... until my plans come to pass.
Please guide my way, Lord.

I don't want to keep reconstructing my comment for that one particular blog entry. I really wanted to participate but my mind is so lazy in putting up coherence into my thoughts. ahhhh...maybe I'll just focus on the task that I really need to do.

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Can't decide still about what i will do with my life...

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God, please help me put back to my soul the joy of living. Please help me understand and appreciate the essence of my existence.

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Australia, current work, SC near home? Which of these? Shall I strive to find a scholarship support for my PhD? But I don't want to be tied up here in the univ forever. I want to soar free.... The longer I stay here, the more it becomes clear that this place is not my home.

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Where really is my place under the sun? Please tell me if you know.

Tell me how to deal with pain and failure...
Teach me how to turn lemon into lemonade.
Because right now my heart is aching
And my eyes welling.
Teach me to accept defeat
And learn from failures.
Help me to grow and be brave and responsible.
Help me to learn from MY failures.

The waiting process is so difficult.
I feel like crying every time I am in front of my computer
staring at my emails
and not seeing any news about my application.
God, please help me to trust you more
in this very difficult part of my life.
I trust You to work for my good.
Thank you so much. Amen.

Tired of waiting
But I must wait.
No other way, is there?
Shall I call?
Shall I e-mail?
But cousin advises
Not to be so pushy...
Lest I'll lose my opportunity
Oh, I wish I can have
that notice from them.
Soon.
Tired of waiting.
I just hope I am not
Waiting for nothing.

Please help me God.

I am reminded of the message I keep getting these past three weeks:
Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him. - Psalm 37:7

What if I don't get what I desire?
What will worry do to help me?
Life is worth living.
Every minute is worth spending well.

Patiently Waiting

Lord, if it is Your will for my life let it be done.
Please help me. It is my heart's desire but still let Your will be done.
I lay down all my plans, aspirations, desires, wants - everything - at Your feet, Lord. Amen.

What is life really all about??????
Tell me if you know.

My boss is such an allergen and I hate my job.
But today is my day and I MUST be happy.
At least for today...even just for today.

she confessed to me at last. hatred and pity... mixed feelings? numbed.

I hate you SIXTH for being so selfish and irresponsible! How can you do this? Are you that dumb to return and eat your own vomit? What is happening to you?

And now you are asking for my help while lying to me at the same time? I don't know how to react. Shall I pity you? Shall I help you? Shall I disown you? Shall I hate you forever?

If I'll help you now, your escape will be too easy. Maybe I'll let you suffer the consequences of your totally mindless-irresponsible-idiotic actions. I hope that through that you will be able to learn your lessons.

But you are still my sister. And my heart aches for you.

Headache. Worry. Anger. Disappointment. Fear.
These are mixed feelings springing from my stressful working environment and the news about my sister.

What am I to do?
Re work: Cry? Resign? Find another job? Yeah, I really want to put a stop to all these stressors. But how? I can't seem to make up my mind. Based on what my eyes are seeing, I have no clear future in this current workplace. I work to earn a living because I want to live. But this work kills me harshly - day after day.

Re sister: reprimand her? Disregard her? Anyway she disregarded all my advices to her. So sad. Shall I tell our family about this? Ah, the burden is now on my lap. I wish I haven't learned about this....I am thinking of not meddling at this time. She must learn to face the consequences of her actions.

still standing on an imaginary crossroad. What will I do with my life to make it more productive and fulfilling?

I really want to study again but I have lots of reservations....

What am I to do with my life?

dot dot dot

Despite of, in spite of, regardless of, notwithstanding , in the face of, even with, even though, although...whatever!

I still prefer not having you around. This current situation is simply so 'disabling'.

I am dreaming of Sunday.

Chaos

3:09 am. Lights off. Amidst non-ending chants, snores and buzzing electric fan, clogged nose, aching head and a frantic knocking at the adjacent door. Two days ago I was a queen in my kingdom. My kingdom where I alone exists. But here come the aliens I was thrown head down outside my world.

Like an only child finding one morning that her mother has given birth to a dozen unconceived siblings, so I am.

I can't move freely. My uncluttered world was covered by piles and piles of packages. Kitchen wares, sound system, tons of vegetables, new tables, 3 dozens water containers and a lot,lot more.

I can't blow my stuffed nose, feeling uncomfortable of their presence. I can't make uu. I can't even fart! Hah, Saesanghae! What is happening to my world?

I hate housemates! I wish February is only one day.

Now, I wish I can add even just half an hour to my disrupted sleep.

12.3.2010 - 2

Goodbye my broadband. I shall never see you again. We separated unknowingly. Without a hint. No, actually we’ve planned our goodbyes. But we never imagined that it would be this soon. As we live our separate lives, may we both wish for each others productiveness. You’ve been a friend to me for more than a year. Accompanying me thru times of solitude.
But now we will never be together again. Never together again. As I weave this letter for you, you are long past gone. Now I sit in front of my laptop unable to connect to the internet-world. Unable to be with you. No matter what I’ll do I can never connect with…
But then this is all for my own good. Goodbye my broadband. Goodbye my broadband.
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Things I’m gonna miss the most:
DZAS live broadcast
blogger
facebook
Yahoo! Mail
Yahoo! Messenger

Take heart myself. You can still have internet access during the day. At the college!
Love ya maself!

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update: i have a new connection now but is a bit slower.... Well, better than nothingat all.

12.3.2010

Dear blogger,
I’d like to let you know that today, I have my ear pierced. Yes. After 32 years of my existence in this place called Earth, I had my ears pierced. The lady at the store who did the piercing was quite amazed. Even the gentlemen customer can’t hide his bemusement. As I inquired if it would be painful, the lady smilingly replied, ‘No ma’am. It would just like a bite of an ant.’ Well, not exactly. To me it was like being injected by anesthesia. I was afraid the whole of my earlobe was blown away by that ear piercing gun. LOL.
I can hear you say I am weird. Yes, I am weird indeed. I am different from the rest of creations. I am a separate entity. I’ve done so many things so late in life. I had entered a movie house during my 29th birthday. That was my first. And my last. Probably. I had my teeth braced when I was 30.58 years old. And now, I had my ears wear earrings after 32 years and roughly 7 months of existence.
I still have so many things left to experience. I never had a boyfriend. Never had my first kiss. I have protected myself for this whole long period of time. I wonder if I’ll still be able to experience those things yet. Well, maybe. Maybe. After 60 years. I have never tasted alcohol. Not even wine. Well, I don’t plan to drink any of it. I am a great fan of Mr H2O and I don’t plan to replace it with other kinds of drinks.
I still have so many things left undone. Unexperienced. Nevertheless I enjoy my present life. The future is still a future. I chose to live in the present. I chose to live my life NOW.
May God bless this life that I have, and bless your life as well!