c-h-a-t-r-o-o-m

I hate being there but why do i come there
as if it is my home?
Duh!
I am hating myself for this.
Wasting so many precious-limited-time-that-i-have.
Ughhh! I have to stop doing this.
I have to stop doing this.
I want to live a normal life.

Missing Home

It's 4am now. I basically used up an hour or more into something I should not be doing, at least not for now. I'll be conducting an 8-hour marathon talk today. I am tired of this. I am tired of doing all these.... Hope I can find a time to rest.

Been dreaming often about my family. Of mother walking well again. Of us being together. Every time I have this dream, waking up becomes so frustrating. I wish I can sleep forever and dream of them. I really want to go home.

Today is father's 70th (?) birthday. Oops, why that question mark? Honestly I don't really know his real age, nor that of mother, or my sisters and brothers. I know the month and the day, but why can't I remember the years? I know no one's exact birth date but mine.

Recently I've been expressing heightened disappointment over out college system. The university system, actually. [Lord, help me to change my perception, values, and reactions - everything. Help me to stand tall in the midst of this repressing situation. Help me to accomplish more from this life that you have blessed me with.]

Oh going back, I still miss my family. So much.

Silent murmurs of a non-existent heart….

There are times when death seems more desirable than life, and today is just one of them.
Why this deep sadness? This discontentment? What is life for? What is my life for? Why am I struggling with so many mundane things? Will my fear, regret, and aspirations matter tomorrow? Or the days to come? Throughout eternity? Tell me. Tell me if you can. Now.
What am I doing here? I am not happy with how my life unfolds. I want a better environment. A better life. A better me.
But then, maybe, I just need to change my perspective.
Sorry Lord, for being so faithless. Sorry for trying to solve my problems on my own. I have been so bad before you. Please forgive me and restore the right spirit within me. Restore unto me the joy of your salvation. I put my hope in You.


Note: was penned at 10am today...

perspective

Oh, c'mon.
Can't you write about
happy things?
good things?
funny things?
Why focus on the
dim side of life?
There are so many
good stories to tell
So many good stories to tell.

I love you.
Do better and think better today.

now i signified my intention
to stop it
i don't know what's next
i'll have to wait and see...

i feel so tired
i have no energy to move
to live life like i planned it to be
why? why? why?

i need to move on
i need to live
i need to survive
i will survive!

past or present

that anger,
is it of the present
or that of the past?
tell me.
be honest, at least for a while
can't comprehend how such a joke
can bring deep a hurt
to your heart.
yes, i remember you
telling me of someone
who has forgotten
your name.
i know, i know
that hurts
though i can't
fully understand how such can be.
you said that he loves you
but after a year of being
separated by distance
he can no longer utter your name
because he has it totally(?) forgotten.
are you sure he loves you?
or maybe, that's only what
you want to believe-
a total illusion.

you told also of a friend
a best friend, you said
who promised to email you
once he gets access to the e-world again
but how long has it been?
six years, or maybe seven?
now, where's the email?
maybe he's too busy
maybe his email id was deactivated
and he can no longer contact you.
or maybe he lives in Saturn.
you said that you don't care anymore
and that you don't mind them at all.
but why that flare of emotion?

Forget him. Forget them.
They are not worth a grain of your brain.

Gut feeling

I don't believe you
The age you declare
Your nationality
Your past/current job.

I am well-versed of your culture
I know your people
Your capability, your manner
'Coz your place have been mine
For more than two years.

But then you are nice
A clean talker
So we can be friends
We can talk for another while
Even if i don't know who you really are.

Psalm 63

A Psalm of David when he was in the wilderness of Judah.
1 O God, You are my God;
Early will I seek You;
My soul thirsts for You;
My flesh longs for You
In a dry and thirsty land
Where there is no water.
2 So I have looked for You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.

3 Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips shall praise You.
4 Thus I will bless You while I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
5 My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips.

6 When I remember You on my bed,
I meditate on You in the night watches.
7 Because You have been my help,
Therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice.
8 My soul follows close behind You;
Your right hand upholds me.

9 But those who seek my life, to destroy it,
Shall go into the lower parts of the earth.
10 They shall fall by the sword;
They shall be a portion for jackals.

11 But the king shall rejoice in God;
Everyone who swears by Him shall glory;
But the mouth of those who speak lies shall be stopped.
-----

Devotional link:
Out Of Orbit

Early Morning

2:47 am here.
The neighbor's dog is growling
to the reason I don't know why.
Ah, distraction.
I meant to post a different topic here.

Don't call me 'chagi'...

I will never allow you.
'Coz my heart, my mind, my soul
Is not ready to admit you or anyone
Into my neatly woven cocoon of solitude.

random randoms 2

Been keeping a lot of things in my mind lately
But felt incapable of translating them into words
Why can a feeling of emptiness be so heavy at times?
Normally, empty things are light
But my heart, so heavy despite being empty.

Weird.

I'd like to declare to the whole world
that I've now forgotten him -
Everything about him.
But my heart will surely slap me
Before I can even begin to utter the words.

Ah...