Prayer works! Really.

I feel good today. Liked the way I handled the class.I was able to do some of my admin tasks too... Ah feels so good....

----
But, what happened to that microscope?

Simply Failed

*Need I explain it here?
For the record, it's 1:17am now and I am still stuck somewhere...
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

-------
Loved the coolness that the rain has brought though.
But tomorrow, tomorrow (more of later, actually), I still have to prepare for it. What am I doing now? I wish to write about triumph next time.

Endings

I've watched hundreds and hundreds of dramas and movies but there's none which I can consider spectacular. I always hated the endings. I wish producers can create a movie without any ending (is this possible??) or maybe I'll just stop watching at the middle of the story. Or better yet, I'll just stop watching movies. Period.

Why waste my time watching when I can't even find enough time to sort the things that I needed to do? Ah, I am foolish. I am foolish. I hope I'll grow up soon.


----
Last night, I dreamed that I was bitten by a dog. What's the meaning of it this time?
*thinking*

----
I will stop scouring blogs for now. I need to focus more on my job. I need to learn a lot in this life. I am tasked to build up people but how can I do that if I can't even teach my own self? I need to really grow up. Become more responsible. To learn to love the value of my profession. To become more cordial. To learn to laugh often. To dream happy dreams. To cherish every moment. To love (to love??? ah...I wish I can learn how to love). To become more organized. To learn to do what I have planned. To stop watching online dramas and movies. To use the internet to learn what is good and useful. To become more thorough in my work. To connect with old friends. To become aware of the concept of time - to value it. To become easy with life. To become friend with myself. To joke. To laugh with my colleagues. To contact old classmates. To learn how to dance. And sing in public. To have more self-confidence. To be happy. To value every moment. To become more close with my Savior. To tidy up things (though my friends consider me to be a neat freak already). To forget him. And another him. To open my life to other people. To save electricity. To have a stronger self-will. To start loving and trusting my self. To start working now...

Yaaaaaaaa! Enough! Stop dreaming and wishing! You need to sign out and start doing the things you have in your To-Do list!

Too sensitive?

I don't know. I don't want to waste my time here blogging about it when literally I need to run for work. Maybe some other day, I can find the a time to write it. Or maybe also, when that .... Ah, I have no time to spare. See you when I see you.

Impression

This is supposed to be my reply to someone's blog post but I chose to place it in my page instead.

You have such a fine son. I think he will become both a great husband and a father someday. Will I be able to find a man like him? If only the man I keep yearning for these past 4 years (already?!) have his qualities...

[But why do I yearn for that someone who, in my standard, is not a good husband material anyway? Ah...foolish me. I really wish to forget that man from yesterday.]

The War Within

Struggling against myself
Trying to topple my personal desires
To live to the fullest as I ought to be
But failing myself every time.

I need an external force
I cannot do it just from within
My self will is so weak
I need someone to give me strength.

I need God.

Questions....

Sometimes I feel that something is really lacking...
Had I been married, would life be more beautiful?
Would life be more meaningful?
Am I even willing to give up the freedom I now have
to know the answer?
I don't even know the answer to this last question.
I refuse to...

-------
[*currently singing with the Avalon - for as long as I shall live I will testify to love...]
I wish I can really live the lyrics of this song. But sometimes, many times actually, I just fail to live the life I ought to be.

More to Life

Something's missing. I don't know exactly what it is but I feel this great void in my heart. I know I need to finish a lot of things before tomorrow but I just can't get enough drive to do all these. Not even start.

I feel like crying but seems like even my tears would not cooperate with me. I can't seem to find a tear to cry.

What's this hollow that I feel deep inside. My mind still thinks of him. And the other 'him'. What for? There's no way to redeem the past and even if I can I won't return to it.

Missed church yesterday. I wasted, literally wasted my whole day.

Never had a communication with my family too. I want to talk with them but I was so lazy to dial my phone. They wouldn't call me too because what we have is a one-way street. The only exception would be is that if something bad happens back home. Or if they need my financial assistance. That would be the only time they'd call or text me. That is why, I dread receiving their message too.

My cousin called me up yesterday but I was soundly asleep and missed her call. Later she YMed that with so many people she contacted, nobody has answered her call. I can totally relate and I feel sorry for her.

My job. My job is disturbing me even in my slumber. What will I do with my life? Is this the right place for me? I wanted to be happy too, even just for just a short while.

I planned to continue with my schooling but I was so.... I don't know. I don't know exactly how to describe myself with regards to this.

Been roaming the chatroom for someone to talk to but nobody seems worth spending my time with. There are so many perverts roaming the net. This world is losing its color.

It's 2pm now and I need to go back to our office for some overtime work but I am tpo lazy to move. I feel so lacking. Lacking of so many things.

I had a very disturbing dream last night. Something about the coming of a very strong storm. The environment was so weird and murky.

I don't want to continue in this condition. I want to live. I want to enjoy life.

There is more to life, I believe. But what it is, I am not sure of. I want to know. Soon.

sweepstakes

If I would win a sweepstakes I will resign in my current job. Buy a wide, wide area of land somewhere up in the mountain. Plant it with many different kinds of forest trees. Build a small hut. Plant some vegetables, corns, sweet potato, sweetsop, guayabano, mango, guava, and many other fruit trees.

I'll sit under the shade of wildberries and listen to the songs of the wind. I'll play with the clouds and stare at the blue ocean far, far down below. I'll fly with birds. I'll ride a carabao and cow. Play with baby goats. Chase the chickens. Collect spiders. I'll search the clear water of the creek at night for some crabs and freshwater shrimps.

I'll soak my face to the caressing touch of fresh mountain wind.

I'll run. And smile. And laugh. And laugh a little more.

I will enjoy life.

But then looking back, my life was basically just like that. My family did not win a lottery. We never had a land of our own. But life was so happy and carefree at that time. We never had to worry ourselves about pollution. We never had to worry about deadlines. About so many obligations. And stress. And pain. And all sorts of useless needs that human beings crave so much about at present.

I want to go back to that old time. I want to breathe again.

home again

second home, that is.

Just arrived from travel.

Looking at my previous post, I notice that it's been harder to control my anger and irritability these past days. Life has been harder, tasks are piling up, been appealing to remove that one designation from me but I was talking to deaf ears.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

I am still requested (more of required, actually) to attend that program tomorrow. Hey, it's Saturday! Give me the rest I so needed. Give me time to at least launder my clothes! Besides, I just arrived from this two-day official travel! I can't tell enough how tired I am.

No email from my past prof. So what? I don't want to care at all. Will finish the paper by weekend and submit it to him before classes starts next week.

Did I mention already that I am so tired?

I am signing off. Needs to get some sleep. I'll have a long long day tomorrow. Hope this weekend is gonna be productive.

I am wishing myself well.

PS. No text message from my family....Will probably write on this in one of my future posts.

I am very, very, very, very, very sleeeeeeepy now.

what is being re-signed in the word 'resign'?

I wanted to write a long blog entry but I am afraid the words might become too baring that I won't be able to post it for public viewing. I don't usually show my inner self to public. But to give you a glimpse of it let me summarize it in a sentence: I hate my current job and I am contemplating on resigning....

MTL

There is more to life than this....
This, I am so sure of.
Depression is temporary.
Stress is not eternal.
Life must go on!

My Response

I've borrowed this from one of the blogs I'm following. I can't help but evaluate my life based on this.

Things To Remember
(by Regina Brett)

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good...
>> yeah, you're sure right about this!

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
>> sometimes I fail to do this. many times, actually.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
>> there is no way I can disagree with this.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
>> Well, i keep in touch with my parents and family. Friends? I can count the number of times in my fingers. Been so busy with my job for them.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
>> usually I pay my credit card a day after my actual buying

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
>> I seldom argue. Silence is my best defense.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
>> I prefer to cry alone. Crying in front of someone is like baring yourself too much to that person. I still can't do that. Been protecting my personal bubble too much.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
>> You think so? Can there be a reason for me to hate Him. He is the giver of my life and I can only stand in awe of Him.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
>> Ehhhh....guilty! I save but whenever my family needs financial assistance, i tend to give everything. I just realized that I need to save for my self too!

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
>> Not so with me. Chocolate equals migraine and migraine is not so great at all. I say no to chocolate!

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
>> I need to work on this. I need some closure.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
>> I don't have a child. Still single and I may remain so for the rest of my life unless someone spectacular comes into my life.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
>> This advise is simply not realistic.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
>> *Chuckles* Great advise!

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
>> So agree with this!

16. Take a deep breath... It calms the mind.
>> I've just done so. Sure calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
>> Like what?

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
>> Hmmmnn... makes me ponder on this.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
>> I had a happy childhood. Happier and simpler than the present. I wish I can be a child again. Yet, I can only dream!

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
>> I loved him but I said no nonetheless. Love ain't enough! There should be commonalities.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
>> I wonder why people want to use candles when they relax. Candles consume oxygen.
Nice sheets? Ah, I need to buy a new one.
Lingerie? ---

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
>> That would be frustrating.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
>> I'm a 'purple lady'. Eccentric, eh?

24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
>> Agree somehow.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
>> Nice advise.

26. Always choose life.
>> Who would want to choose death?

27. Forgive everyone everything.
>> Easier said than done though.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
>> As long as they simply keep that thought in their cranium. But I agree somehow.

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
>> No comment on this. Needs to ponder more whether to agree or disagree.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
>> Change is the only constant thing in life, so they say.

31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
>> Hehe. I'm a perfectionist though. I'll try to take heed of this advise.

32. Believe in miracles.
>> There can be miracles when you believe...

33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
>> Not because of who I am but because of who You are...

34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
>> Sometimes, auditing life can be good too. I mean reflecting about it.

35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
>> Not so old though. I don't want to stay in this world for 120 years.

36. Your children get only one childhood.
>> My children?

37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
>> *silent*

38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
Outside where?

39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd
grab ours back.
>> What?

40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
>> I need to grow a more thicker hair!

41. The best is yet to come.
>> Hope so.

42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
>> This is what I've heard from yesterday's message too. :D

43. Yield.
>> Not all the time. There are times when not yielding is the best thing to do.

44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
>> So agree!