The regret of not being able to present - when you wanted to but did not - because of insecurities... Pathetic. Change your mindset. NOW.

TED

Logged to write about something Which I totally can't remember anymore. Memory - or maybe the lack of it. The effect of over stimulation of the amygdala. Will try to work on healing my brain....

Breathe Out

What is stressing you out? Your sister? Pissed with your mother? Hated your self? Is this the life that you want? No? Then how will you correct this? Where will you start picking the shattered pieces of yourself? Why do you lack self confidence? Why can't you start with that writing task? Where is your enthusiasm? What drives your life? Hated yourself for spending so much time on candy crush? Have you deactivated your facebook account yet? Yes? Good! Why are you not replying to the messages of your superiors? Of your friends? When will you start writing that proposal? When will you decide to manage your time - and to religiously stick to it? How are you now? Do you like the life that you have? Why are you frozen at the thought of later - of tomorrow? Do you fear criticisms? Have you not criticized others yourself? You ask God to forgive you, but are capable of forgiving - yourself and others? Act now. Don't let the failure in the past continue to chain your present. I love you. I love you. Call out to God. Don't forget Him. He is more than able to change you. He wants you to be happy. To live a fulfilling life. Don't waste it. Don't waste time. I love you. I love you. I am sorry.

How do I deal correctly with heartache and disappointment caused by unfair judgment? Why set minimum requirements and not stick on it? What's with you people? What gives?

tired of waiting... anxious about the arriving of THE news all i need is a hint. a dot-like hint. why are you denying me such a peace of mind? On one hand: My peace of mind should not be dependent on you Or on the news I've been longing to hear from YOU. So what if? So what if not? I am alive now, and that is all that matters. ---- God please help me to enjoy every moment I never expected that waiting would take this long. Nevertheless, help me to wait, to learn, to enjoy life. I would like to throw away my anxiety and replace it with the peace that comes from You alone. Amen.

Grace

Lord, I am praying for that one good news to pop out of my email -- or maybe that long awaited sound from my cellphone. Either way, Lord, I am hoping for grace. Thank you.

Empty, void, null, zero.

this sadness squeezes my heart for no reason.
no reason at all? i can't say for sure.

is it because of tonight's celebration?
or that tangy comment i heard this afternoon?
or maybe the sight of so many crossroads
yet the feeling of nowhere to go?

i wanna leave. i wanna leave because i want to live.
God please guide my steps.


where could I go? oh where could I go?
seeking a refuge for my soul...
needing a friend to help me in the end.
where could I go but to the Lord.

Food Allergies

Who who have thought that I am allergic to coconut? How can I possibly survive in this world since almost everything has coconut in it? Soap, shampoo, toothpaste, fried foods...ah.

I am allergic to wheat, pork, squash, and seafoods among others, too. With these food limitations, sometimes I think that won't die of allergies but of hunger.

Food, oh food, I miss the days when I can freely eat you. :(

Project report. What to do to recharge a drained brain?

God, please give me the drive to give my best in everything I do...to honor You. Amen.

not unwelcomed but unexpected 110111

i thought i can have the house all for myself
until the end of the week.
uh, distraction.

i don't want to be a baby sitter,
i want my carefree life.
i don't want to think about anyone else...
but then, isn't life here on earth about
caring for others??

i still have to grow heights.

but my head aches thinking about being
with someone in this house
when i am still dreaming of being alone.

discomfort. stress. or is this just because of sugar and wheat??

piaya.

I miss you Nang. I miss the time we spent together at mama's house. We used to laugh at so many things. Happiness at that time was so common, so affordable. But what happened now? I feel so all alone. I wish we are together once more. But we are miles and miles and miles and miles and miles apart, chasing our respective dreams.

Funny.

I am tired of chasing contentment in this circle of life. Can I simply cut across the line and run to you? I bet you too are chasing contentment, wishing for that once simple state of life. But then I hope not. I wish you happiness.

Hoping to be reunited with you someday. Love you, Nang. I truly miss you.

Why is it that sometimes... no....most of the time I feel like I want to run away the fastest I can?

What is the meaning of my life? What am I for? Lord, please help me fight this feeling of uncertainly and worthlessness. Please guide me to the place where I should be. I need You now more than ever....

You can only look back in full regrets.

But why look back if all you can see are regrets? March on with life. Today and tomorrow are worth living.

It feels good to feel lost (from the eyes of everyone) in this bloggyworld.

Haaauhhh... I don't know what to do with my life. I have countless of tasks to do but I don't have the drive to do them. All I want is to leave this place -- my current job. Can't find a pinch of joy staying here.

But where do I go from here?

Things to float in my mind:

Shall I get a PhD? Is it worth it?
Shall I transfer to a private firm/industry? where?
Shall I process my paper for migrating to Aus? Do I have the resources?
Shall I go home and find a teaching post in the general science courses? Will it be a good help?
Shall I find a research job in my former univ?
Shall I? Shall I? Shall I?

So many considerations. So many insecurities. So many things that rips me the joy of living.

I need a stronger Hand to carry me. I am hopeless on my own.

I will be silent to ** about it from now on... until my plans come to pass.
Please guide my way, Lord.

I don't want to keep reconstructing my comment for that one particular blog entry. I really wanted to participate but my mind is so lazy in putting up coherence into my thoughts. ahhhh...maybe I'll just focus on the task that I really need to do.

---------------

Can't decide still about what i will do with my life...

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God, please help me put back to my soul the joy of living. Please help me understand and appreciate the essence of my existence.

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Australia, current work, SC near home? Which of these? Shall I strive to find a scholarship support for my PhD? But I don't want to be tied up here in the univ forever. I want to soar free.... The longer I stay here, the more it becomes clear that this place is not my home.

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Where really is my place under the sun? Please tell me if you know.

Tell me how to deal with pain and failure...
Teach me how to turn lemon into lemonade.
Because right now my heart is aching
And my eyes welling.
Teach me to accept defeat
And learn from failures.
Help me to grow and be brave and responsible.
Help me to learn from MY failures.

The waiting process is so difficult.
I feel like crying every time I am in front of my computer
staring at my emails
and not seeing any news about my application.
God, please help me to trust you more
in this very difficult part of my life.
I trust You to work for my good.
Thank you so much. Amen.

Tired of waiting
But I must wait.
No other way, is there?
Shall I call?
Shall I e-mail?
But cousin advises
Not to be so pushy...
Lest I'll lose my opportunity
Oh, I wish I can have
that notice from them.
Soon.
Tired of waiting.
I just hope I am not
Waiting for nothing.

Please help me God.

I am reminded of the message I keep getting these past three weeks:
Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him. - Psalm 37:7

What if I don't get what I desire?
What will worry do to help me?
Life is worth living.
Every minute is worth spending well.